(Bad) Bands Reunited

Hey remember 1999? The year of Limp Bizkit, Blink 182 and Creed, 3 bands that were thankfully passe and disbanded by 2004? Well, they're back! I can't wait!

We have fake Rage Against the Machine (an apolitical one at that), fake Green Day, and fake Pearl Jam touring arenas and, most likely, filling up magnetic tape and ProTools hard drives with musical abortions throughout the year (and the real ones are still around, even if I don't really care about them anymore). My middle school years are coming back to life in a bad way (nevermind the fact that I went to a party the other night and saw people I hadn't seen since middle & high school, which actually wasn't too horrible, but still a little awkward). Excuse me while I barricade myself in my room, and turn on Reign in Blood.

Announcing their "reunion" first, I believe, was Limp Bizkit, lead by Fred Durst, a guy who gives Vanilla Ice a run for his money in terms of lameness. I have to admit, when I was 13, I liked them. I saw them open for Korn before they got famous, and I bought their first album. To this day, I like their guitarist, Wes Borland, who jumped ship in 2001 to try to create more artistic projects to better suit his talents, but I haven't checked any of them out, and I guess he needs money so he's back with them. When their second album came out, it sucked so bad I denounced my "fanhood," and watched as other bands followed in their vein of bad white-boy rap, detuned boneheaded riffs so low that I don't know what notes they're playing, and lame turntable scratches. That era of rap-rock was a pretty dark age for rock n roll, let me tell you. Since then, Fred Durst has basically become a punchline and no one gives a shit about them anymore... at least I hope (let's see how this "reunion" plays out).

I'm not a huge MADTV guy, but back in 2001 or so, they did a brilliant parody of Limp Bizkit.

For your viewing pleasure:


Next we have Blink182, who broke up like two years ago. Really, do people miss "All the Small Things" all that much? Besides being punk rock posers, their essential crime is setting off the powder keg that lead to the uprsie of emo bands. Hate Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco? Thank the success of Blink 182 (and, to a lesser extent, Green Day). My research shows that Blink182 "disbanded" in 2005. It is now 2009. A band who breaks up and "reunites" 4 years later never really broke up; they took a hiatus. Regardless of what bad blood went down, 4 years is not a long time. Some bands take 4 or 5 years between albums without breaking up. Whatever.

And last but not least, there is perhaps the #1 musical abortion to terrorize airwaves and bring new meaning to the messianic complex: Creed. A band I thought would be gone for good, and I seriously threw a party when these guys broke up. Seriously, the mere thought of never having to hear from Scott Stapp ever again gave me a huge boner, no lie. But now, they decided to earn back some of the $$$ they blew on drugs and hookers, and tour the arenas of America with their brand of uber-lame adult-contemporary-friendly rock n roll that makes a mockery of everything that even remotely rocked in the early 90s! They were the worst (and ironically, the most successful) band that imitated Pearl Jam. I could deal with Stone Temple Pilots, and I liked them a lot when I was younger, I thought the one song Candlebox did was OK, great whatever. But Scott Stapp's self-important attitude, and him seriously thinking he was Jim Morrison and that Creed was like Led Zeppelin because "Hey critics hated Led Zep too, and now look at them! 30 years later, we'll earn 5 star reviews at allmusic.com and Rolling Stone" (not far off from what he actually said). And poeple bought it! Their first 2 records went DIAMOND ferchrissakes!!!! Shows how smart the consensus of the record-buying public is. Well, hey, maybe 7 Mary 3 will get a call to be asked to open up for them!



How come whenever bands reunite, it's almost never bands people WANT to reunite? How come it's always a band like Creed or the Eagles that reunite, and never a band like the Smiths, a band most people would give their eyeteeth to see? The Smiths, Talking Heads, Pavement, the original Guns N Roses lineup all wont reunite, but Creed, Blink 182 and Limp Bizkit all decide to reunite around the same time. Goddamn it!

Whatever Happened To... (Part Two: Chris Cornell)

I don't know what's worse; continuing going on and sucking, while staying true to the sound that made you famous (a la Billy Corgan), or embarassing oneself by 'reinventing' one's sound witht he aid of a noted hip-hop procuder, and having the results be unspeakably horrible.

Take the classic case of one Chris Cornell, the former vocalist of Soundgarden and Audioslave. Have you seen him lately? Popping up in a cell phone commercial, with a song he did that sounds like it would fit more on an R. Kelly CD than on Superunknown, vowing to never reunite with Soundgarden, chilling with Timbaland...

Seriously, when i saw that commercial, I was shocked. Appalled. Bewildered. Did Chris Cornell become an R&B balladeer?


I can forgive Audioslave (or RageGarden, as I liked to call them). Save for a few songs off their first album, Audioslave was basically a failed xperiment that tried to crosspollenate the sounds of two of the 90s most influential bands (Soundgarden and Rage Against the Machine, for those who aren't kepping track). Yet, for their flaws, at least Audioslave didn't completely betray their rock-influenced roots. Cornell's latest solo venture, however, only taints his name and legacy. When I see Chris Cornell now, it's like he's completely separated from the Chris Cornell of 1994. How could he do this?

I've been on a Soundgarden kick lately, particularly their last two albums. After Nirvana, they were definitely the best grunge band. Musically, they were the most proficient. The way they put together many of their songs were nothing short of extraordinary, and to this day, when I listen to Superunknown, I am just floored. After they broke up in 1997, drummer Matt Cameron joined Pearl Jam on their continuance of mediocrity that started with Yield, and guitarist Kim Thayil and bassist Ben Shepard joined other bands.

Ironically, however, Soundgarden did reunite... sort of. Sometime in March, during a Tom Morello gig in Seattle, the other 3 members of Soundgarden joined each other on stage for a few songs with the 400 pound Tad Doyle, from the lesser known grunge band Tad, on vocals. For those who know Tad's music, Tad Doyle is no Chris Cornell. The crowd was massively excited for this near-reunion, however, despite the vocals that sounded like a corss between a pig getting it's head cut off and Captain Beefheart.



I think putting Tad Doyle on vocals should send a pretty good message to Mr. Cornell; JOIN YOUR FORMER MATES AND ROCK!!!!!! Abandon treading into adult-contemporary R&B territory, strap on a guitar, and rock out! I don't call for bands to reunite very much, but Soundgarden is an exception. I think they still had lands to conquer.

Till then, Chris Cornell will go on looking like a baked potato, and disappointing fans everywhere.

Here's an old Soundgarden video.

Whatever Happened To... (Part One: Billy Corgan)

Ah, Billy Corgan, everyone's favorite bald, nasal-voiced mastermind behind one of the 90sd most influential bands, the Smashing Pumpkins. Ever since he first dissolved the Pumpkins back in 2000 (only to reform them 6 years later), he has been creating a suckfest in which he's not aware of (or in denial of), and making stereo systems everywhere blast shitstorms. Seriously, his catalogue this decade has not even remotely matched his 90s heyday, not even slightly.

Lately, though, Mr. Corgan has just been emabarassing himself. Whenever I read an article about Corgan's desperate attempts to try to stay relevant, it's like watching a train wreck, only it's kind of funny. This year alone, he's done some pretty stupid shit that makes me wonder if this is the same Corgan who wrote
Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.

First, drummer Jimmy Chamberlin quits the Smashing Pumpkins, basically stating that "Hey, we suck now I'm jumping ship," though of course he worded it a lot nicer than that. Then, Billy Corgan decides to pull an Axl Rose, and become the sole Smashing Pumpkin, and record albums himself. This now leaves him as the only original member of the band, as he hired a bunch of replacement members to join the Pumpkins to replace James Iha and D'Arcy, who, with very good reasons, declined Corgan's offer to rejoin the Pumpkins. If Corgan was just going to be the only permanent member of the Smashing Pumpkins, he should have just done that in 2000 when he broke up the band in the first place. Not like it would have been very good in the first place, but remember how mediocre Zwan was? Oh yeah, no one bought that record.

So, now Corgan tore a few pages out of the Axl Rose handbook. Now, he has built up the audacity to charge fans $40 to watch him in the studio working on new material. Yes, you read that correctly. “Subscribers will be able to watch the next era of Smashing Pumpkins music take shape. … Each update would be a minimum of 5 minutes in length. That would mean subscribers would receive at least 25 minutes of unique audio/video material per week, and at least 5 hours over the course of the 12 weeks,” according to the Smashing Pumpkins' website. I got my MasterCard out for this one! $40 of my hard-earned minimum wage paychecks to watch Uncle Fester wank out, trying to recycle "Zero," and "Cherub Rock!" Yeah!

And now, Billy Corgan is reportedly dating Tila Tequila. I'm not gonna touch this. I'll just show you a photo.




Maybe when he gets the herp, he'll write some good music!

And now, he's doing an 8-Mile spoken word rap of "Bullet With Butterfly Wings" to promote a wrestling commercial.

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Uh... wow. Nice way to ruin a classic song! Do you need the money and publicity that badly?!?!?!

Well, while Billy Corgan continues to make an ass out of himself, I will listen to my old Pumpkins records with an element of sadness. Though, Billy Corgan isn't the only 90s rocker to make an ass out of himself this decade. However, if bad career moves were the Nuremberg Trials, Billy Corgan would be Hermann Goring.

The Roast of Larry The Cable Guy

Tonight, Comedy Central is hosting the Roast of Larry the Cable Guy. Normally, I enjoy the roasts they do on Comedy Central; the Bob Saget Roast had me in stitches, as well as the one on Flavor Flav a couple of years back. However, I'm sitting this one out. First off, Larry the Cable Guy hasn't been around long enough to DESERVE a roast (nor has he done really much of anything except entertain rednecks), and I simply just don't like him. I also see a roast of him as a bit superfluous, if I must say so myself. I can roast him, and sum up a 2 hour special in a matter of minutes.

To Larry the Cable Guy:

You are not funny.
Your accent is not even real.
Your sleeveless flannels (along with Crocs) are an example of a complete disregard for good fashion. (Jeez, I sound like a chick)
Your catchphrases are stupid. WHAT THE FUCK DOES GIT-R-DONE MEAN?!?!?!?! What is the "R" in "Git-R-Done?" What "R" you "Gitting Done?"
You sound like the only book you ever read (besides the Bible) was "Cat in the Hat."
You're definitely the least funny out of all of those Blue Collar Comedy people.
Your movies are terrible. Stop making them.
You really should just be a cable guy instead of a comedian.

There. I just roasted Larry the Cable Guy. And I didn't even need Lisa Lampinelli or Greg Giraldo to help me out.

Out of Hiding

Hey, I'm still alive. Just figured I would write... just to write.

School's in full swing. I'm a little rusty on working w/ my school & work schedule and getting my shit together. It's complicated, but it's at the point where it's do or die because I've been in school for almost a month, and it's getting serious. I should be OK though. After this, I have to read for my British Literature class. Fun fun. Like lyrics out of an Iron Maiden song.

So I haven't been up to anything too great. Actually, I take that back. I've been working on music. My band (now called Clark and the Kents) made a Myspace page and put some rough demos up. And I mean ROUGH demos. Like "we're poor, can't afford a studio or a 4-track" demos we recorded on an old tape recorder. They sound like crap (or they sound great if you like some of the early Mountain Goats stuff or Daniel Johnston or Half Japanese), but I think it's a good start. Go to www.myspace.com/clarkandthekents if you wanna hear it (yes I am advertising myself on my blog).

Valentine's Day. The Hallmark Holiday. Amelia and I got invited to a show in NYC at this place called the Cakeshop. Pretty much a hipster cafe with a venue in the basement where the up-and-coming indie bands make their start, possibly upgrading to a show opening up for Caribou at the Music Hall of Williamsburg. And a lot of them are pretty good. So my friends paid, and went into the venue, and I had to take a leak. After I got out of the bathroom, they came back up and told me that the place was pakced, and the closest they could get to the stage was the entryway into the damn place, so they decided that they weren't gonna spend the next 3 hours sandwiched in between obnoxious, condescending hipsters listening to bands that might suck. My friend wanted to see the Screaming Females, and there were 2 opening bands. So I didn't know anything about these bands (I haven't been trying to keep up). All I know if it was that bad as far as space was concerned, like if there were a fire there would be a stampede to get out with few survivors, I wouldn't have wanted to stay either. So, we drove into Manhattan on a Saturday nught (Valentine's Day, nonetheless), and we don't want to leave without doing something. So what do we do? Get a slice of pizza, and revel about how much hipsters make us feel like losers. Then drove home. I texted my sister to see what she was up to, but she was already ready to retire for the night. But it was fun, though. It was 100 times better than spending a Saturday night in CT probably doing nothing.

I have to say I feel less depressed than I did a week ago. I was feeling kind of depressed because I'm 23, still at home, and I haven't moved to any big city, like New York, Boston, Portland, whatever. But last night, I was in a room full of these pretentious know-it-all hipsters who base their friendships and conversations about the latest bands Pitchfork Media advertises and about what albums they chain smoke to in their lofts at 3 in the morning. And most of them probably have parents who pay for their lifestyles. And I realize that as much as I like talking about music with people, or as much passion as I feel for music, I realize that basing friendships around it is pretty stupid, and with these people, if you're not dressed like them or up to date on EVERYTHING hip or whatever, then you might as well be shopping at the Virgin megastore wearing a Nickelback shirt. It's elitism. I tried being friends with people like that and ended up being rejected as much as I did by the 5th grade boys who wore Boss jeans and listened to "No Diggity." I realized that if I did move to Brooklyn or whatever, and tried making friends, I'd probably end up feeling more depressed and lonely than I would here at home. This won't stop me from travelling and going to shows, though.

Here's a stand-up act by Louis C.K., who describes hipsters to a T (for the first minute or so):



"And they say cool things like 'Yeah me too,' or whatever."

So that's been my sad life lately. Now, it's time to do actual work. Yay.

Winter Writing Doldrums

I haven't written shit lately, probably due to a lack of motivation. Winter does that to you. I apologize.

We Can Finally Move Forward Now...

By far one of the happiest moments of my life as a news consumer was watching Dubya take off in that helicopter and leaving the parameters of our nation's capital for seemingly the last time as a man in power. The presidency was officially bequeathed this morning by Barack Obama, and I already feel the change occuring.

In the streets of D.C., Harlem, and places outside the nation's borders, people were jubilant in the rise of the nation's first black president, many, whom 45 years earlier, couldn't even drink from the same water fountain as a white person, let alone achieve the presidency. Many people from that generation never thought that they would see a day like today, and that same sentiment carried over to my generation, a generation raised on hip-hop, Nintendo, and the internet.

As revolutionary as this day is (as it should, for this is a remarkable achievement for any African-American), it is easy to forget how qualified Barack Obama is to lead this nation, and how great of an example he is, an example that will resonate with people from all backgrounds. He was raised by a single white mother who lived off food stamps, and worked his way on up to attend the finest universities (Columbia & Harvard), and even after being offered jobs in prestigious law firms, went back to the South Side of Chicago to give back to his community. His life story is a refreshing change in light of our most recent ex-president, who had a silver spoon jammed up so far up his ass he tasted nothing but metal.

We, as a nation, have endured 8 years of greed, dishonesty, and a severe lack of integrity. And now, we are paying for it, even if most of us did not cause it. We are in the middle of two wars, one of them we shouldn't even be in, many of us don't have jobs, our economy sucks, and our reputation as a country has been tarnished in the eyes of our one-time allies (and yes, having allies is important; you don't think we won all those wars singlehandedly did we?). President Obama has walked into the worst situation for any incoming president since FDR, and the man has a lot on his plate. He is not in an enviable position. Bush certainly created many shitstorms and an overwhelming amount of debris as a consequence. Even opponents and non-supporters should wish him luck.

To the outgoing President,

Fuck you. You have helped turn this country from a functioning one to a country badly in need of repair. You let corruption, greed, and lies fly under your nose with a sense of nonchalance towards those who may be affected by it in a way that borders on evil. You have mislead the American people by leading us into a war that served the interests of your criminal oil friends in the name of fear. You have turned Americans against each other, by calling out dissenters and providing a "with us or against us" mentality. Your ridiculous faith-driven beliefs set science back at least 10 years, and your abstinence only approach towards sex ed only lead to more teen pregnancies than ever. Only towards the very end of your joke of an administration did you show any thought to the people you have done wrong, or show any remorse, or any indication that you may have been wrong in many instances. Sure, you could say that "tough decisions had to be made" until judgment day, but some of your decisions defied just "tough times calling for touch measures," considering that things didn't get horrible until recently.

So, enjoy your life in Texas and do us a favor, and keep a low profile. The world has had enough of you & your kind.

With shame and emabrassment,

Kyle

To President Obama,

To reiterate that memo I had written to you right after Election Day, please don't fuck up.