Ennui

I seem to be going through this period of complete and absolute boredom with virtually everything. Every day seems like a shitty routine of monotony and tedium. I guess it all coincided with a short-lived yet excruciating heat wave that swept through Connecticut earlier this week. I'm a shift supervisor at Starbucks in Newtown, CT, and work has been hell lately due to the warm weather, so people order Frappucinos left and right. As much as I hate work sometimes, I haven't had too much fun anywhere else lately.

Why do I go through these doldrums? I guess they are a part of life. For whatever reason, I get them around the same time every year, but this is a little different. This is a boredom that calls for some sort of change in my life, whether it be location wise, clearing up issues that are still up in the air or stopping the patterns of a relationship that is not working (in this case, the complicated whirlwind of a relationship with my mother). I should call my former school's financial aid office about some bill they send to me, and I'm trying to save my pennies to move out of here and to somewhere else (Boston, maybe). A good short lists of goals... put off by me playing Grand Theft Auto III (here's to me trying to save up for a Playstation III, and the highly coveted Grand Theft Auto IV!).

I guess I'm just sick & tired of feeling like my life has gone nowhere and that it's doomed to this stagnant status. I'm tired of thinking and not doing what I think. I'm tired of not writing and not having the energy or motivation to (this pastime has lead to the conception and loss of great ideas) . I'm tired of not having this easy (physically) lifestyle work for me anymore. I'm tired of whining about this stupid shit. I'm tired of having an imaginary David Byrne say to me "same as it ever was!" whenever I get lazy. It's time to take action!

I just rented 3 books from the library. When I was 16, I used to rent like 5 or 6 (or more) at a time, but this was back when I had at least six classes I could read through (in a lot of cases). This was also back when I had no steady girlfriend or many friends I could rely on to hang out. A part of me misses that, but when I look back wishing I had friends and true love was complete torture I wouldn't subject myself to if you paid me a billion dollars.