Xmas Sucks!

So we're coming to the end of perhaps the most depressing Christmas season in my lifetime, with the bad economy and all. I hate Christmas anyway, but this year especially. Seriously, I just wish it was January... actually flash forward to April of next year so the miserable winter will be over. And put an end to this damn recession too! Kill all the greedy bastards that helped cause it! Chuck shoes at your boss when you get laid off! That'll get the point across!

Here are the Top 5 Things I Hate About Christmas... the top 5 things that make you want to commit some Holiday Harakiri:

1. TV commercials: Celebrate the birth of Jesus by buying shit you can't afford! Max out your already maxed credit cards to buy your daughter a Hannah Montana doll you'll donate to the poor next year! I especially hate those BMW commercials, where some snooty bourgeois fuck looks out the window and sees a shiny BMW/Mercedes/Lexus SUV with a big red bow around it. Why are they even advertising? For the rich 1% that the Bush Administration didn't screw over? Most people this day in age can't even afford a junky $2500 1992 Ford Taurus in the car lot on the bad side of town, let alone a car that's $35K at the cheapest.

2. Snow: We just got our first major snowstorm yesterday here in Connecticut, Five to 8 inches of cold, white, frosty goodness draped across every street, driveway, house and car, making it fun to drive in, and even more fun to shovel and clean up! And even more fun if you're a seasonal UPS driver helper getting paid slave wages to deliver QVC packages to rich housewives who live near a country club. Ho ho fucking ho!

3. Xmas Music: I hate Xmas music. HATE IT! HATE HATE HATE! Every radio station, and every place I go to blares it, and it sounds like a cow getting castrated with a chainsaw to these ears (my next list will be Top Five Worst Xmas Songs Ever). The ones I hate the most aren't even your average "Jingle Bells," "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" type crap. It's the ones that are either done over by popular artists, or when they write their own. I've worked in restauarants and retail long enough to just want to kill the motherfucker who wrote "The Little Drummer Boy." Pa-rumpumpumpump this!

4. Post-Xmas Depression/The brevity of the holiday itself (same category): People stop flooding the streets to go shopping or to travel to their Xmas destinations once Xmas is over. Even where I live now (Bridgeport, CT which has about 150,000 people) is like a ghost town on December 26th. It's depressing. Xmas is like not getting laid for 6 months, having your girlfriend tease you by wearing a short skirt and high heels promising to do you but she has a period that never ends, her finally getting off her rag, you finally getting to score, and you cum within 2 minutes of fucking her; all that excitement, and buildup for nothing. And she only lays you once a year.

5. The Shit Always Hits The Fan Before, During or Right After Xmas: Ask any family. They'll always have a great, heartwarming Xmas story about how someone lost their job right before the holiday, their parents getting in a drunken fight on Xmas, or their asshole Dad checking into rehab right after Xmas (That's me!). I don't want to rehash bad Xmas memories at the moment, but holy fucking shitballs, I've had some terrible Xmas moments that not even Bukowski or any great contemporary fiction writer can come up with.

It's only 5 days until Xmas, and I will be on an "I Hate the Holidays" tangent that will end as soon as I pack up the Xmas tree and put it back in the storage room! The sooner this holiday is over, and the sooner 2008 is over, the happier I will be. Bah Humbug!