Tonight, Comedy Central is hosting the Roast of Larry the Cable Guy. Normally, I enjoy the roasts they do on Comedy Central; the Bob Saget Roast had me in stitches, as well as the one on Flavor Flav a couple of years back. However, I'm sitting this one out. First off, Larry the Cable Guy hasn't been around long enough to DESERVE a roast (nor has he done really much of anything except entertain rednecks), and I simply just don't like him. I also see a roast of him as a bit superfluous, if I must say so myself. I can roast him, and sum up a 2 hour special in a matter of minutes.
To Larry the Cable Guy:
You are not funny. Your accent is not even real. Your sleeveless flannels (along with Crocs) are an example of a complete disregard for good fashion. (Jeez, I sound like a chick) Your catchphrases are stupid. WHAT THE FUCK DOES GIT-R-DONE MEAN?!?!?!?! What is the "R" in "Git-R-Done?" What "R" you "Gitting Done?" You sound like the only book you ever read (besides the Bible) was "Cat in the Hat." You're definitely the least funny out of all of those Blue Collar Comedy people. Your movies are terrible. Stop making them. You really should just be a cable guy instead of a comedian.
There. I just roasted Larry the Cable Guy. And I didn't even need Lisa Lampinelli or Greg Giraldo to help me out.
Hey, I'm still alive. Just figured I would write... just to write.
School's in full swing. I'm a little rusty on working w/ my school & work schedule and getting my shit together. It's complicated, but it's at the point where it's do or die because I've been in school for almost a month, and it's getting serious. I should be OK though. After this, I have to read for my British Literature class. Fun fun. Like lyrics out of an Iron Maiden song.
So I haven't been up to anything too great. Actually, I take that back. I've been working on music. My band (now called Clark and the Kents) made a Myspace page and put some rough demos up. And I mean ROUGH demos. Like "we're poor, can't afford a studio or a 4-track" demos we recorded on an old tape recorder. They sound like crap (or they sound great if you like some of the early Mountain Goats stuff or Daniel Johnston or Half Japanese), but I think it's a good start. Go to www.myspace.com/clarkandthekents if you wanna hear it (yes I am advertising myself on my blog).
Valentine's Day. The Hallmark Holiday. Amelia and I got invited to a show in NYC at this place called the Cakeshop. Pretty much a hipster cafe with a venue in the basement where the up-and-coming indie bands make their start, possibly upgrading to a show opening up for Caribou at the Music Hall of Williamsburg. And a lot of them are pretty good. So my friends paid, and went into the venue, and I had to take a leak. After I got out of the bathroom, they came back up and told me that the place was pakced, and the closest they could get to the stage was the entryway into the damn place, so they decided that they weren't gonna spend the next 3 hours sandwiched in between obnoxious, condescending hipsters listening to bands that might suck. My friend wanted to see the Screaming Females, and there were 2 opening bands. So I didn't know anything about these bands (I haven't been trying to keep up). All I know if it was that bad as far as space was concerned, like if there were a fire there would be a stampede to get out with few survivors, I wouldn't have wanted to stay either. So, we drove into Manhattan on a Saturday nught (Valentine's Day, nonetheless), and we don't want to leave without doing something. So what do we do? Get a slice of pizza, and revel about how much hipsters make us feel like losers. Then drove home. I texted my sister to see what she was up to, but she was already ready to retire for the night. But it was fun, though. It was 100 times better than spending a Saturday night in CT probably doing nothing.
I have to say I feel less depressed than I did a week ago. I was feeling kind of depressed because I'm 23, still at home, and I haven't moved to any big city, like New York, Boston, Portland, whatever. But last night, I was in a room full of these pretentious know-it-all hipsters who base their friendships and conversations about the latest bands Pitchfork Media advertises and about what albums they chain smoke to in their lofts at 3 in the morning. And most of them probably have parents who pay for their lifestyles. And I realize that as much as I like talking about music with people, or as much passion as I feel for music, I realize that basing friendships around it is pretty stupid, and with these people, if you're not dressed like them or up to date on EVERYTHING hip or whatever, then you might as well be shopping at the Virgin megastore wearing a Nickelback shirt. It's elitism. I tried being friends with people like that and ended up being rejected as much as I did by the 5th grade boys who wore Boss jeans and listened to "No Diggity." I realized that if I did move to Brooklyn or whatever, and tried making friends, I'd probably end up feeling more depressed and lonely than I would here at home. This won't stop me from travelling and going to shows, though.
Here's a stand-up act by Louis C.K., who describes hipsters to a T (for the first minute or so):
"And they say cool things like 'Yeah me too,' or whatever."
So that's been my sad life lately. Now, it's time to do actual work. Yay.
By far one of the happiest moments of my life as a news consumer was watching Dubya take off in that helicopter and leaving the parameters of our nation's capital for seemingly the last time as a man in power. The presidency was officially bequeathed this morning by Barack Obama, and I already feel the change occuring.
In the streets of D.C., Harlem, and places outside the nation's borders, people were jubilant in the rise of the nation's first black president, many, whom 45 years earlier, couldn't even drink from the same water fountain as a white person, let alone achieve the presidency. Many people from that generation never thought that they would see a day like today, and that same sentiment carried over to my generation, a generation raised on hip-hop, Nintendo, and the internet.
As revolutionary as this day is (as it should, for this is a remarkable achievement for any African-American), it is easy to forget how qualified Barack Obama is to lead this nation, and how great of an example he is, an example that will resonate with people from all backgrounds. He was raised by a single white mother who lived off food stamps, and worked his way on up to attend the finest universities (Columbia & Harvard), and even after being offered jobs in prestigious law firms, went back to the South Side of Chicago to give back to his community. His life story is a refreshing change in light of our most recent ex-president, who had a silver spoon jammed up so far up his ass he tasted nothing but metal.
We, as a nation, have endured 8 years of greed, dishonesty, and a severe lack of integrity. And now, we are paying for it, even if most of us did not cause it. We are in the middle of two wars, one of them we shouldn't even be in, many of us don't have jobs, our economy sucks, and our reputation as a country has been tarnished in the eyes of our one-time allies (and yes, having allies is important; you don't think we won all those wars singlehandedly did we?). President Obama has walked into the worst situation for any incoming president since FDR, and the man has a lot on his plate. He is not in an enviable position. Bush certainly created many shitstorms and an overwhelming amount of debris as a consequence. Even opponents and non-supporters should wish him luck.
To the outgoing President,
Fuck you. You have helped turn this country from a functioning one to a country badly in need of repair. You let corruption, greed, and lies fly under your nose with a sense of nonchalance towards those who may be affected by it in a way that borders on evil. You have mislead the American people by leading us into a war that served the interests of your criminal oil friends in the name of fear. You have turned Americans against each other, by calling out dissenters and providing a "with us or against us" mentality. Your ridiculous faith-driven beliefs set science back at least 10 years, and your abstinence only approach towards sex ed only lead to more teen pregnancies than ever. Only towards the very end of your joke of an administration did you show any thought to the people you have done wrong, or show any remorse, or any indication that you may have been wrong in many instances. Sure, you could say that "tough decisions had to be made" until judgment day, but some of your decisions defied just "tough times calling for touch measures," considering that things didn't get horrible until recently.
So, enjoy your life in Texas and do us a favor, and keep a low profile. The world has had enough of you & your kind.
With shame and emabrassment,
Kyle
To President Obama,
To reiterate that memo I had written to you right after Election Day, please don't fuck up.
Ever since I became aware enough to realize its irrelevance, I have had a serious beef with the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Its backdoor politics, elitism, and limitations on who gets in is bullshit. It's a sham. It's based on the opinions and views of like 10 people who claim to "know" music. Assholes like Jann Wenner & David Wild. I keep hoping that they'll get their shit together and stop adding crap among their ranks, much like how a person who has a loved one in a vegetative state hopes that they wake up one day. Year after year, however, I keep getting enraged. I think I'm a sadist, because I shouldn't care, and yet I do.
Once again, The Stooges have been denied entry into the (C)Rock Hall, despite being eligible for the past 15 years, this news coming about a week after the death of guitarist Ron Asheton. Instead, make way for Metallica, Run DMC, Jeff Beck, Little Anthony and the Imperials, and Bobby Womack. Couldn't fit one more inductee in there, ay guys? Why just five inductees a year now? Oh yeah, VH1 has to make more room for relaity shows based on washed-up celebrities, and people who were on other VH1 reality shows who are looking for an extra 5 minutes of fame. This is a fucking disgrace.
Looking at this year's nominees; first we have Metallica. Heavy metal gods, sure. I'd have no problem with them being here if they had put out a decent album since 1988, and if they didn't sue their fans when they downloaded "I Disappear" off of Napster. Run DMC I like, but they're not really "rock & roll" are they? Yet again, this is the same institution that inducted Madonna last year, and Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five back in '07. I guess you could call Run DMC an influence on rock & roll for their collaboration with Aerosmith on "Walk This Way." This move reignited Aerosmith's stagnant career, and was considered by many to be the genesis of "rap rock." Just for that, however, Run DMC should be disqualified. Maybe not; how could they foresee Limp Bizkit? That and I do like Rage Against the Machine. Jeff Beck's already in with the Yardbirds, but I guess his solo career had to be represented there too. The other two nominees should have been inducted years ago.
The (C)Rock hall inducted the Ramones, the Clash, and the Sex Pistols (who refused to attend the ceremony, denouncing the hall as a "piss stain"; their attitude has never left them, thankfully). But not inducting the Stooges is a mortal sin in the world of punk (or anything considered "alternative"). Iggy Pop's antics set the stage for all the Sid Viciouses and Will Shatters of the world (and he managed to survive), Ron Asheton's riffs set the stage for all the Johnny Ramones and Kurt Cobains, and their lack of finesse on their instruments proved to be inspiration to many young misfits, despite virtually no commercial success. That's something Metallica can't claim.
The Stooges have been eligible for induction since 1994, 25 years after their debut album (that's the rule). They should have been inducted then. Let's see who was inducted in 1994:
-The Animals -The Band -Elton John -Duane Eddy -Grateful Dead -Rod Stewart -John Lennon (as a solo artist) -Bob Marley
OK, what the fuck is Rod Stewart doing in there? The majority of his career was spent crooning Top 40 Adult Contemporary hits. And did they really feel the need to induct the Grateful Dead then, too? Fuck the Dead. All they did was inspire the wave of bad jam bands that people follow like sheep all the time and do lots of drugs (Dave Matthews Band, Phish, etc.). Musically, they had nothing to offer, except turning a 3-minute song into a 35-minute wankfest. They were the representation of all the bad things about the hippie movement; overindulgence, wanking, and cult-like behavior. I would've inducted the Stooges over the Band, too. I don't give a fuck if they were Bob Dylan's backing band, they were boring as hell. Every year since then, the Stooges ahev been passed up for induction, even if Madonna had asked the Stooges to play 2 of her songs at her induction last year (which, in a way, was pretty cool).
The Stooges tearing through "Burning Up" & "Ray of Light."
And don't even get me started on last year's joke of a ceremony. Madonna? John Mellencamp? I'm surprised Huey Lewis didn't get inducted. I'm also sure that because Madonna got inducted, there will be a Britney Spears induction around 2025, I reckon.
Here's a small list of bands I think should be in there and their year of supposed eligibility: MC5 (1993) Rush (1999) New York Dolls (1998) Tom Waits (1998) Minutemen (2005) Husker Du (2007) Can (1994) Kraftwerk (1996) Television (2002) Skip James (1986) Nick Drake (1994)
Though, it'll most likely be freezing in hell (as it is here) before that happens.
It's almost over... thank God. Don't worry, there's a reason for this. And some videos for your amusement.
40. Talk Dirty to Me-Poison: Completely throwing a bone at Bret Michaels, since he hosted this show and he earns VH1 plenty of viewers by boning skanks on the Rock of Love.
39. More Than a Feeling-Boston: I wouldn’t consider this a hard rock song. It’s not hard. I don’t care how many guitar tracks Tom Scholz created for it. This song kind of has a new element of sadness to it since their singer turned out to be a pretty unhappy guy, who took his own life a couple years back.
38. Stone Cold Crazy-Queen: Love this song. Queen proved that they had as much balls as Zeppelin or Sabbath with this song. Classic.
37. My Generation-The Who: I think the Who is the most overrated band ever, other than the Eagles. With that said, their earlier stuff was pretty fucking good, and the line “Hope I die before I get old” signaled a new guard in rock music, and stripped rock of its innocence, along with Bob Dylan and the Beatles experimenting with music (and drugs).
36. Hot for Teacher-Van Halen: I’ve been on an “anti-Van Halen” kick, since they reunited w/ David Lee Roth and giving their longtime bassist, Michael Anthony, the boot. Eddie Van Halen is an arrogant piece of shit, and overrated. However, this song kicks ass, and I still crank it every now and then, as it’s one of their radio workhorses that I’m not entirely sick of. And what school did David Lee Roth go to that had all these ‘hot’ teachers? I’ve never been “hot for teacher” I think ever.
35. School's Out-Alice Cooper: Alice Cooper deserves to be on any hard rock list. My pick would have been “I’m Eighteen.”
34. Barracuda-Heart: Another one of those bands that my dad listened to 24/7 that I never want to hear again. This song’s one of the few songs by Heart I can stomach, probably because it rocks.
33. Basket Case-Green Day: Besides Nirvana, Green Day was my band from when I was 9 or 10. They suck now, but I enjoy spinnin’ Dookie every now & then.
32. Cat Scratch Fever-Ted Nugent: Say what you want about the Nuge; right-wing loudmouth, sexist, asshole, pro-NRA, anti-even drinking a beer every now & again (but bone underage chicks and have a few baby mamas across the planet; that‘s fine). Indeed he is. But I can’t help but like “Cat Scratch Fever.” The only decent riff the Nuge squirted out, amongst gallons of semen on underage groupies.
31. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap-AC/DC: I think “TNT” or “Highway To Hell” would have represented the Bon Scott years better than this song, but this song ain’t bad either.
30. Even Flow-Pearl Jam: Ya know, I just don’t like Pearl Jam too much anymore. And, they have better songs than “Even Flow.”
29. Bad Reputation-Joan Jett and the Blackhearts: No arguments against this song. Joan Jett has more attitude than most dudes on this list. Plus, she’s sexy as hell.
28. Everlong-Foo Fighters: Dave Grohl proved his worth as a songwriter with “Everlong.” I often say that this was one of the few things that made the end of Nirvana kind of worth it. I always loved the riff.
27. Still of the Night-Whitesnake: HA! Whitesnake. What a fuckin’ joke.
26. Freebird-Lynyrd Skynyrd: If hating Lynyrd Skynyrd and “Freebird” is considered “un-American” (as one blogger wrote), then I’m on board with al-Qaeda.
25. Blitzkrieg Bop-Ramones: Should be way higher, for most of the band that came after the Ramones (and bands on this list) would not exist. I fucking LOVE the Ramones, and still can’t believe that 3 of Da Brudders are gone. Sad story behind the band too.
24. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida-Iron Butterfly: Great riff, but did the song REALLY need to be 17 minutes long?
23. Crazy Train-Ozzy Osbourne: After he left Black Sabbath, I don’t really care about Ozzy…. Except for this song, and maybe 3 or 4 others. Even then, Sabbath stopped making good records after 1974.
22. Hey Joe-Jimi Hendrix Experience: OK, why isn’t this song in the Top 10? And why “Hey Joe?” Why not “Purple Haze?” People are stupid. Not that I’m slamming “Hey Joe.”
21. Kashmir-Led Zeppelin: Zeppelin’s crowning achievement, in my honest opinion. This song is fucking fantastic, and should be higher than #21 (especially since the song that came at #20 flat out blows and is unworthy in the face of “Kashmir”)
Yes, I'm slacking. But it has been a pretty hectic week. Part 3 of my commentary on a stupid list (Why am I even doing this? Boredom and underemployment, I guess. And to exemplify my music snobbery). I'm including some videos here for sheer entertainment value, and because I can. Thanks, YouTube!
Here we go:
60. 18 and Life-Skid Row: I think this is on the list to throw a bone at Sebastian Bach, since the only publicity (or work) he probably gets is on these VH1 shows.
59. The Stroke-Billy Squier: “Stroke me, stroke me!” I’ll pass. Go dance around in a pink tank top.
58. Interstate Love Song-Stone Temple Pilots: Definitely one of their best songs, even if I don’t really give a shit about STP anymore.
57. You Really Got Me-The Kinks: They should be higher. They were definitely the best band of the British Invasion, and were definitely responsible for the creation of hard rock. I’d put “All Day and All of the Night” in my Top 10.
56. Cherry Pie-Warrant: SHE’S MY CHERRY PIE! TOO BAD I DON’T LIKE THESE GUYS! THESE GUYS ARE So UNMETAL IT MAKES ME CRY! SWEET CHERRY PIE!
55. Don't Fear the Reaper-Blue Oyster Cult: Should be higher. This song is just fantastic.
54. Epic-Faith No More: I never really got Faith No More. Supposedly Mike Patton is metal’s version of Frank Zappa, but I find him kind of pretentious. This song is good though, and so is “Falling To Pieces.”
53. Born to Be Wild-Steppenwolf: The penultimate biker anthem. My dad is obsessed with Steppenwolf, so if I never heard this song again, it’d be too soon.
52. Cherry Bomb-The Runaways: Launched the careers of Joan Jett and Lita Ford, and showed that all-girl bands could party with the boys.
51. Peace Sells-Megadeth: Pretty fuckin’ good song. If I compiled a list of best hard rock songs, my Megadeth pick would be reserved for “Holy Wars.”
50. Give It Away-Red Hot Chili Peppers: Not big on the Chili Peppers. Maybe if I didn’t hear this song all the time, I’d have more positive things to say about it.
49. Search and Destroy-The Stooges: You will all bow down to the Stooges! Iggy Pop, at the ripe old age of 61, has more energy and charisma than people half his age. If you want heavy, listen to the original David Bowie-produced fuzzfest mix of Raw Power! It’ll knock the metal spikes off of Iron Maiden! RIP, Ron.
48. Freak on a Leash-KoRn: The 7th grade me loved KoRn. The 23 year old me finds them KoRny.
47. Bawidabata-Kid Rock: Get me the puke bucket! This spent piece of white trash ranked higher than The Stooges? Ohhhh no! This list is officially retarded!
46. Madhouse-Anthrax: Out of the 4 thrash metal bands to really make it (Metallica, Anthrax, Slayer, Megadeth), I never really got into Anthrax. But I respect ‘em. BTW, how come there are NO Slayer songs on this list? Pussies.
45. Slow Ride-Foghat: SLOW RIDE! TAKE IT EASY! This song will always make me think of that scene in Dazed & Confused where that chick is rolling up a joint, blasting this song on headphones (parodied on Family Guy, with the Evil Monkey rolling up a joint and crankin’ up the Foghat!).
44. Sunshine of Your Love-Cream: Should be higher, because Cream were one of the first archetypes of hard rock, along with the Who, the Kinks, and Hendrix.
43. Holy Diver-Dio: I hate admitting this, but I like this song! I’ve come to appreciate Ronnie James Dio a little bit in my old(er) age. Even the cheesy keyboard in “Rainbow in the Dark.”
42. Should I Stay or Should I Go-The Clash: Not my top pick for the Clash at all. Such a great band, though. I’m still pissed as hell that Joe Strummer died, and there was talk of a Clash reunion around that time. Anyway, as for Clash songs that could’ve made this list: “Rock the Casbah,” “London Calling,” “White Riot,” “Clash City Rockers,” “Clampdown.” (see video below)
41. Cum on Feel the Noize-Quiet Riot: I think Quiet Riot gets credit for being the first metal band to top the Billboard charts, but musically they had nothing to offer. Never mind the fact that 2 out of 3 songs I know from them were Slade covers.
The world according to a twentysomething misfit, with a passion for music, politics and the truth, and a quest to search for satisfaction in an often-underwhelming world.
